But What If I End Up Alone?

“Learning to be alone, and enjoying it, is the most empowering gift you can give yourself.” ~ S. Aitchison

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Despite the smile upon my radiant face, inside a voice whispered—what if I am alone forever?

It’s a voice that I have been at war with for years. It’s a voice that kept me in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship far longer than I should have been, because I was afraid of being alone.

I spent many dark nights having conversations with this subconscious fear, because I’d thought that accepting any old love was better than not having any at all.

But that’s the thing about our fears—eventually we must face them, whether we want to or not.

At some point, between the times I spent on my knees crying and letting my face be warmed by the brilliant sun, I made the choice to leave where I was—not because I could see where I would end up, but because staying became impossible.

It didn’t matter if I was alone anymore, as long as I was happy.

When I left my relationship, I didn’t even know what would make me happy—but I took small steps in the direction of whatever made me smile. I stumbled at times and played with situations that I should have stayed far away from, because I still needed attention to feel worthy.

I still needed someone else to make me smile.

Yet even when I was covered in the residue of discontentment and lay down to bed each evening, the only thing that I wanted was someone there with me.

I didn’t want artificial attention, drama or sex—I wanted love.

Yet because I still hadn’t fallen in true love with myself, it remained just out of my reach—and it seemed the more I tried to grasp a hold of it, the farther it slipped away from me.

And the voice would still whisper—what if I am alone forever?