Our past experiences mold the way we build relationships in the future. If you continuously look for red flags that people always leave, it is possible you are creating grounds for what you fear most!
The idea of permanence is innate to us; we know things go a certain way, and we are used to them that way. When we experience change in this pattern, through quick losses or maybe situations we weren’t expecting, our mentality is changed from the everlasting to the fleeting. And that is when we realize, people always leave!
My grandparents got married really early. They, like most couples in love, had promised to grow old together. But that did not happen. My grandma was widowed early, and the idea that people always leave, stung her deeply. Because of this, she still has a hard time believing that people won’t leave her.
What adds insult to injury is that more times the people you love exit your life, the tougher it gets for you to put yourself out there looking for love again.
So why doesn’t one live in the temporary instead? That’s because the temporary cannot lend you the feeling of security.
As a defence mechanism, people who think others leave them, exit long before the rest have a chance. Being partly present in a relationship for the fear of being hurt, you tend to become elusive at time, and protective at others. But your worst avatar is when you begin prophesying your “everybody leaves” forewarning! In case you didn’t know, this is your self-fulfilling prophesy, which means, you have told yourself the same thing so many times that you are actually convinced it is true!
If you actually think that people you love leave you every single time, you need to ask yourself if you are doing any of the following 16 things to sabotage your relationships:
1. Finding fault in everyone you are with
If you constantly look for faults in the other person, you are focusing on the negative side alone. No one will ever be good enough for you. A corollary to this is that you have unrealistic expectations from your relationships. If you think it is only supposed to be roses, you are bound to get your heart broken.
2. You think people don’t love you as much as you love them
When we are scared about others leaving us, we tend to feel that we love them more than they do us. This isn’t true. You are only overestimating your love for them, and in a way, pushing them farther away.
3. You always try to get attention
Yes, you have your ways of getting attention, and you think that will help you stay attached. Instead, this move backfires, every single time. When you constantly dread that your S.O. is going to leave you, you try to capture their attention. But in the process, you will detract them away as a needy, clingy person.
4. You are in a relentless fear that your partner will leave
The worst way of living is living in a constant state of insecurity. It is actually a way of dying! If every time your lover walks out of the door, you think they are leaving you, you won’t be fun to be around! See, if they are going to leave, there won’t be much you will be able to do anyway. Holding on will only exhaust you.
5. You look for reasons why you shouldn’t be with this person
You will find yourself constantly seeking reasons why you guys shouldn’t be together. Well, what you seek, seeks you, right?
Also, when you tell your partner repeatedly that there are signs why you guys shouldn’t be together, they will start believing you soon, and I think you don’t want that! Or do you?
6. You keep doing things to hurt your S.O.
And intentionally so! If upping emotions is the only way you feel attached to somebody, then you are sabotaging your relationship. How is hurting your lover going to make you feel any better?! Or worse, how is it going to make them want to be with you? The only purpose that serves is to shove them away.
7. You feel unsettled, all the time!
Thinking that someone is going to abandon you is a horrible feeling, and it will make you feel unsettled, taking a part of who you are! Since you keep fretting and think of ways to make your partner stay, you are not leaving any room in your relationship for yourself.
8. You start fights most of the time
If this is true, you are self-sabotaging your relationships or you are dating someone you are not supposed to be with. Both ways, you will end up without them. Stop reacting to everything, and treating whatever the other does as a sign that they will leave you. Whenever you have a fight, take some time to cool down, and then analyze the situation with a rational head.
9. You distance yourself to protect yourself
Do you feel less sad only when you aren’t with anyone? The person you are with has to make you feel loved and supported. But you are not letting them do that for you. Whenever things get a little rough (which happens in every healthy relationship), you distance yourself, and sometimes, even call it quits. Do you think you are behaving like an adult?
10. You think your future is dark
Do you look at your future with a pessimistic lens? How can you blame your partner if they don’t want to be with you, after what you do to them? Negativity begets negativity. You are thinking that it is your S.O. who wants to leave you, but maybe it is you who is looking at the open door.
11. You look at a breakup as a triumph of your prophecy
Whenever you break up, you catch yourself saying, “I knew things wouldn’t work out between us.” If you always think your relationship is doomed, believe me, it will fail. Preparing yourself for a breakup as soon as you start dating someone? That is what’s stripping the joy out of your relationships.
12. You have had traumatic experiences in your past relationships
Our experiences mold the way we look at our present and our future. If you have had horrid past relationships, it is going to be hard for you to shake the idea off. But how long are you going to live this way? It is high time you separate your yesterday from your today and tomorrow.
13. You overdo it in your relationship because you are scared of being alone
Being overly good, or constantly doing things for a person to make them want to stay, is in a way bribing them into being with you forever. Now, that’s not love, right? What happens to the theory of relationship equity then? You need to stop overcompensating… today!
14. You need to be told “I love you” all the fricking time!
After a point, these will become empty words. Your lover will be saying them to you only to get rid of the nagging. So what’s the point then? Instead of looking for confirmation or reassurance, look within yourself for the ability to accept the love they are showering on you!
15. Your fear makes you smother them
Since you try to control your mate, you end up a nervous twit. Now, I am sure you don’t want to be that! And if you look at it from their point of view, who would want to stay with an ever-manipulating person? Would you?
16. You wait for signs from them so that you can end it
What you look for, shapes the way you perceive things. If you are looking for signs that they will leave you, you will see those signs almost everywhere, even if there aren’t any. Banish the notion that your S.O. will leave you. That way, you will feel settled and will be able to enjoy the beautiful moments you spend together. If they do leave, accept it. All relationships aren’t meant to be. But the point is, you need to let yours unfold itself, instead of pushing it to the end!
Before we leave you, there’s just one more thing we need to discuss. We want you to think about the way you talk about your S.O. and the relationship you share with them. Are you defending your image by making them look bad? Or do you see them in a positive light? By cutting your partner down, you are not only damaging them, but also the love you share with them.
Talk positively from today, and things are sure to change for the better.
When we let our past sculpt our future, we, more than often, create the thing we fear the most. You can never control your future, no one can. But what you can do is switch the way you view the here and now.
Did you like what you just read? Let us know in the comment section below! See you until next time.
by Riya Roy First appeared in newlovetimes.com
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